I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. There's no point of saying what's on my mind cause no matter what it is, it's wrong. If I have an opinion about something I'm somehow putting him down. If I ask him a question, I'm somehow attempting to instigate a problem. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I've already come to terms with this whole pretend fisher price play relationship being nothing but detrimental. Until we live separate live like the "friends" he wants us to magically be after banging on and off for eight years, being completely insuperable for about 5 and now living together for one. He wants this perfect "relationship" where I'm gonna play his best friend/disgruntled husband and still get to play Don't Ask Don't Tell with whatever online flavorS of the week he has going on at the moment.
Even when I want out. Even when all this is doing is making me retreat more and more inside. Because in my head is the only safe place to be. But then the silence is wrong to. Having to explain my every move and breath while being accused of doing the same to you is taxing on me in every possible way. I'm in my thirties. Aren't I supposed to have this all figured out by now? Most of my friends are married with children by now. I'm still living in my mother's basement playing house with my best friend/fuck buddy.
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