Revenge is Sweeter Than You Ever Were

I find it almost physically painful to listen to him wax philosophical. His drunken attempts to make an intelligent observation are so transparent, like he's reaching for anything to make himself interesting. Even when he's talking to me about running into his biological grandparents at work and figuring out who they are through the ramblings of the crackhead he drives back and forth from his physical therapy sessions, it feels rehearsed. Almost insincere like he's enjoying the drama of the spotlight.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe the way we interact is so far gone and my defenses so high I'm just looking for a reason to dislike him. But if we're going to continue this... whatever the hell this is, I need to just let go of my anger and move on. From all our sanity's sakes.

But if i just forgive and forget have I learned anything? It's been 8 years. And still I don't trust him. But then again why the hell should I? I know he lies to anyone about anything for any reason. How can I trust him when he claims to tell me the truth but can lie so easily to anyone else. I'm really not that dumb.

"Who cares?" he asks annoyed when I bring up his string of "little white lies". "It's got nothing to do with you," he tells me. Maybe. But like I tell him, I can't help but feel a little betrayed when he spends all his time with me but feels the need to make up these pretend dates and things he does with imaginary people in his life. Like I'm not good enough for him and he has to make things up. Whatever. Please tell me any other way I'm supposed to take this to make me feel like he's not ashamed of me.

I think the age difference is really starting to show. It's strange how six years can feel like twenty when you're thirty one to his twenty three. Guess I really have no right to play the maturity card this time. Especially after sending all those guys messages from his inbox telling them to "ask me bout my herpes" and "I have herpes, ask me how." Good times. He didn't appreciate that to much. I'm still watching my back. Keep your friends close and all, bygones.