I need to move on with my life. I'm not sure where that will leave J but I know it will be difficult to balance this imaginary life we have going for ourselves and branching out and doing my thing but it will be something I have to do. For both our sakes. I now understand that every touch, every kiss, every blow and fuck was just another way to not rock the boat. You don't love me. You love having a roof over your head that isn't 50 miles away. You love not having to worry about public transportation while I bend and twist my schedule around to suite you. You love the constant companionship while you look for that man who you really want to spend the rest of your life with.
I'm tired of this game of pretend. I'm tired of never feeling good enough for you. I'm tired of looking like the pathetic asshole while you dance through life telling any and everyone whatever it is they need to hear so things go good for you.
Did I really get omitted from the accident story? And for what reason?
I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. Not in him. He acted exactly as expected. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be wrapped around the finger of a guy who is only worried about his own needs, unless it's to prove a point.
I just don't know what my next move will be. A small part of me would like to revert and enact revenge but I don't think I'm that person anymore.
I said "think".
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