With everything going on lately I was surprised to hear from my old friend Vivian the other day. We were pretty much inseparable for awhile there a few years back but some jealousy issues when I started spending time with her cousin Bernie without her drove a wedge between us we just never got over.
She let me know that even if she wasn't around as much not to think she didn't love me and wouldn't be there for me if I needed to talk. It was pretty sweet considering one of our issues was what an ice queen she was and how I had a tendency to freeze up as well in order to keep up.
We agreed to meet up for lunch today in between her two part times but I'm here stuck at home since the Mejicans fixing my windshield today still haven't called me back despite assuring me my car would be ready by 11:30 am. That was three hours ago. Fuckin mexicans.
I just hope she didn't take it personally and we can reschedule. I always forget how much I miss her sometimes.
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Morning After. by Lugo Jimenez
He’s taken by surprise by the swollen and battered face he sees judging him through the mirror. Black blood has dried and crusted over from several lacerations barely visible over the dark purpling lesions budding from the bridge of his nose and slowly flowering over and under both eyes. His head hurt to the touch, various portions of his skull throbbing with a stabbing pain from a size eleven men’s flip flop being rammed against it several times.
His flip flop.
His eyes begin to well for the first time since waking up from what he had hoped was a horrible nightmare. Sharp pains in his side suggest another few bruised ribs, nothing new. It hurt like hell but he was positive nothing hurt enough to be cause for serious concern or require the medical attention he couldn’t afford either way. Noticing the oddly darker than usual flesh making up his ear he reaches to touch it but only flinches at the pain in his swollen right hand. Checking his ear canal for blood he remembers having to resort to punching him several times in an attempt to snap him out of his vicious rage.
Him.
The man he spent a better part of six years trying his best to make happy but never quite succeeding. The man who he opened his home, his family to when he needed it the most. The man he gave everything he possibly could to. The man who claimed to love him. The man who claimed to be his best friend. The man who should have been out of his life years ago.
“Go away. I hate you,” echoed in his head over and over and he remembered dodging punches and long, thin hands reaching and closing forcefully around his throat. He gently touches the reddening area on the front of his neck but is met with a shock of pain he wasn’t expecting. He notices how his own hand barely fits the imprint of the bigger hand and he forces back a sob that comes from a place inside himself he didn’t even know existed. His body convulses awkwardly from a combination of crying in a way he can’t ever remember crying since he could consider himself an adult and from the physical pain his sobs send through his every limb. Gut wrenching whimpers rack his beaten body as he is brought to his knees from the hurt he feels both inside and out.
He wonders why? Why after everything they have gotten past? After all the lies, all the betrayals they had finally seemed to reach a place, an understanding where they would be able to coexist happily and still be able to live their separate lives. All he asked for, all he ever wanted was honesty. Why was that such a difficult task?
Why make it damn near impossible to walk away after he abruptly moved out only to end things like this? After the move he wanted to keep the distance between them thinking it would do them both good. To let them both walk away with no hard feelings so they could both be free to do what (and who) ever they wanted. Isn’t that what he wanted this whole time?
Why did he allow himself to be sucked back in? Every “I love you”, every “I need you” now rang hollow.
“You’re my family. My life would be nothing without you.”
Words used to console him, to quiet and calm him down. To manipulate. Words. Only words. Did he ever mean them? Was anything he ever told him the truth?
“I love you,” he heard him say in his head as he couldn’t escape the reflection of his battered and beaten face that seemed to come at him from every corner of his room.
He had his out, he thought. Why did he come back to only share a couple of good weeks together before blowing everything to hell? And all for what? What was the catalyst that started the whole ugly sharp downhill turn the night took? Because he got called out copping a feel and making a move he will later claim to not even remember along with everything else about the night that would cast him in a bad light? Guess blaming it on the large quantities of top shelf liquor consumed earlier that night would be the simplest way to deny culpability. For once in their eight years of knowing one another he wasn’t able to deflect the blame because it all rested solely on his shoulders. So what does he do? He claimed to have blacked out though clearly retaining every moment of HIS discomfort. Getting punched in the face, the barefoot 20 block walk home from the park after he was dragged out of the car kicking and screaming. How can one take an apology seriously from someone who claims can’t even remember what he’s apologizing about?
“You got off lucky,” he tells him later. Pretending to not remember must be so much easier than actually dealing with whatever problems or thoughts or whatever he was having at the time that made him think would be a good idea to open the passenger side door and hang his body half way out the car while the vehicle was in motion or to jump out of the moving car and run away into oncoming traffic.
If only he could be the type of person to just say “fuck it”. If he would have left his ass the first time he jumped out he would have avoided the kicks to the body and face after yelling at him to stop kicking the car’s windshield after managing to crack it. He could have avoided swerving onto on coming traffic when he thought it appropriate to pull the wheel out of his hands or kick it while trying to drive him home. Why couldn’t he just let him be someone else’s problem? Doesn’t he have a boyfriend to take care of him now? Why was it still his responsibility to take care of this guy? Unfortunately after everything, after all this, he still cared too much to abandon him drunk and completely out of control on the side of the road to get into who knows what kind of trouble.
Seeing his own blood dripping from his nose onto his lap while he was driving made him realize he didn’t recognize the person writhing and screaming his hatred sitting on the passenger side. In a moment of clarity he realized how toxic this person has been to several aspects of his life. He tells him he’s done. He tells him he wont be his punching bag anymore. He tells him how lucky he is that he doesn’t pull the car over and beat the living shit out of him. Angrily he tells him to call someone because there was no way he was coming back home with him. Anyone. He even offered to drive him to his boyfriend’s house but it only got worse. And still he couldn’t bring himself to do anymore than to pull over and forcibly drag him out the car leaving him on the side of the rode.
Then there was the scene he caused in the middle of the night trying to get into the house after walking home and waking everyone. The obscenities, the names he called him. Or the embarrassment of being treated like a battered housewife when the police showed up and he had to explain what happened. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to give them his real name for the police report, worrying more about what would happen to him.
“I love you.”
Empty words. Empty promises. Empty hopes for the future. Everything he predicted had come to pass. He knew the ending to their story years before the sad situation ever happened. He knew in the end he would leave him broken and alone.
His flip flop.
His eyes begin to well for the first time since waking up from what he had hoped was a horrible nightmare. Sharp pains in his side suggest another few bruised ribs, nothing new. It hurt like hell but he was positive nothing hurt enough to be cause for serious concern or require the medical attention he couldn’t afford either way. Noticing the oddly darker than usual flesh making up his ear he reaches to touch it but only flinches at the pain in his swollen right hand. Checking his ear canal for blood he remembers having to resort to punching him several times in an attempt to snap him out of his vicious rage.
Him.
The man he spent a better part of six years trying his best to make happy but never quite succeeding. The man who he opened his home, his family to when he needed it the most. The man he gave everything he possibly could to. The man who claimed to love him. The man who claimed to be his best friend. The man who should have been out of his life years ago.
“Go away. I hate you,” echoed in his head over and over and he remembered dodging punches and long, thin hands reaching and closing forcefully around his throat. He gently touches the reddening area on the front of his neck but is met with a shock of pain he wasn’t expecting. He notices how his own hand barely fits the imprint of the bigger hand and he forces back a sob that comes from a place inside himself he didn’t even know existed. His body convulses awkwardly from a combination of crying in a way he can’t ever remember crying since he could consider himself an adult and from the physical pain his sobs send through his every limb. Gut wrenching whimpers rack his beaten body as he is brought to his knees from the hurt he feels both inside and out.
He wonders why? Why after everything they have gotten past? After all the lies, all the betrayals they had finally seemed to reach a place, an understanding where they would be able to coexist happily and still be able to live their separate lives. All he asked for, all he ever wanted was honesty. Why was that such a difficult task?
Why make it damn near impossible to walk away after he abruptly moved out only to end things like this? After the move he wanted to keep the distance between them thinking it would do them both good. To let them both walk away with no hard feelings so they could both be free to do what (and who) ever they wanted. Isn’t that what he wanted this whole time?
Why did he allow himself to be sucked back in? Every “I love you”, every “I need you” now rang hollow.
“You’re my family. My life would be nothing without you.”
Words used to console him, to quiet and calm him down. To manipulate. Words. Only words. Did he ever mean them? Was anything he ever told him the truth?
“I love you,” he heard him say in his head as he couldn’t escape the reflection of his battered and beaten face that seemed to come at him from every corner of his room.
He had his out, he thought. Why did he come back to only share a couple of good weeks together before blowing everything to hell? And all for what? What was the catalyst that started the whole ugly sharp downhill turn the night took? Because he got called out copping a feel and making a move he will later claim to not even remember along with everything else about the night that would cast him in a bad light? Guess blaming it on the large quantities of top shelf liquor consumed earlier that night would be the simplest way to deny culpability. For once in their eight years of knowing one another he wasn’t able to deflect the blame because it all rested solely on his shoulders. So what does he do? He claimed to have blacked out though clearly retaining every moment of HIS discomfort. Getting punched in the face, the barefoot 20 block walk home from the park after he was dragged out of the car kicking and screaming. How can one take an apology seriously from someone who claims can’t even remember what he’s apologizing about?
“You got off lucky,” he tells him later. Pretending to not remember must be so much easier than actually dealing with whatever problems or thoughts or whatever he was having at the time that made him think would be a good idea to open the passenger side door and hang his body half way out the car while the vehicle was in motion or to jump out of the moving car and run away into oncoming traffic.
If only he could be the type of person to just say “fuck it”. If he would have left his ass the first time he jumped out he would have avoided the kicks to the body and face after yelling at him to stop kicking the car’s windshield after managing to crack it. He could have avoided swerving onto on coming traffic when he thought it appropriate to pull the wheel out of his hands or kick it while trying to drive him home. Why couldn’t he just let him be someone else’s problem? Doesn’t he have a boyfriend to take care of him now? Why was it still his responsibility to take care of this guy? Unfortunately after everything, after all this, he still cared too much to abandon him drunk and completely out of control on the side of the road to get into who knows what kind of trouble.
Seeing his own blood dripping from his nose onto his lap while he was driving made him realize he didn’t recognize the person writhing and screaming his hatred sitting on the passenger side. In a moment of clarity he realized how toxic this person has been to several aspects of his life. He tells him he’s done. He tells him he wont be his punching bag anymore. He tells him how lucky he is that he doesn’t pull the car over and beat the living shit out of him. Angrily he tells him to call someone because there was no way he was coming back home with him. Anyone. He even offered to drive him to his boyfriend’s house but it only got worse. And still he couldn’t bring himself to do anymore than to pull over and forcibly drag him out the car leaving him on the side of the rode.
Then there was the scene he caused in the middle of the night trying to get into the house after walking home and waking everyone. The obscenities, the names he called him. Or the embarrassment of being treated like a battered housewife when the police showed up and he had to explain what happened. And still, he couldn’t bring himself to give them his real name for the police report, worrying more about what would happen to him.
“I love you.”
Empty words. Empty promises. Empty hopes for the future. Everything he predicted had come to pass. He knew the ending to their story years before the sad situation ever happened. He knew in the end he would leave him broken and alone.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
25 Completely Random Things About Me
1. One time I farted really loud when I was about ten years old and my cousin just so happened to be bending over to pick something up at the time and I got her in trouble for being rude cause there were guests in the house. Sorry, nubs. :-)
2. Working at the high school was the best time of my life. Doing something with meaning and helping others was a bonus I never expected.
3. Midgets freak the shit outta me. I witnessed a midget on crutches attack a normal sized girl at the high school one time and I just stood there frozen in terror.
4. Strangely enough, i've never broken a bone in my body.
5. I talk to my cats like they are people.
6. I watch UFC for all the wrong reasons.
7. I've never had a cavity in my life and the dentist scares me.
8. I accidentally overdosed on caffeine pills once when I wanted to stay up late with a buddy of mine to have a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and drunkenly took a handful of his mother's pills. I freaked out and had to be taken to the emergency room during Freddy vs. Jason at the theater where a security guard was placed on me and the nurses mocked me for as they put it "drinking too much coffee." cunts.
9. I was a published writer for an online publishing company.
10. I list cleaning as a hobby of mine. It relaxes me. There's nothing more I'd rather do than smoke a bowl and clean my house.
11. When I was a freshman in college and dealing with my sexuality I secretly entered this hot story contest and won. The site was for a gay porn production company and the owner contacted me about writing scripts for the company. He just so happened to be coming to Chicago for the fireworks show that 4th of July and I agreed to meet with them. that morning after responding to a picture request so he knows what I look like he asked me if I would be interested in working INFRONT of the camera. i chickened out and never went through with the meeting.
12. I'm attracted to dorks.
13. I can list Michael Jordon, Wayne Gretzgy and John Elway as former employers.
14. I've seen Danity Kane in concert everytime they've preformed in my city.
15. I cried during Adam Sandler's Big Daddy
16. onions are my kryptonite
17. I worked at Burger King for a month before I quit by chucking a whopper at this little prick manning the register. His name was Angus or Anus or some shit.
18. my friends used to refer to me as the "straight boy layer" due to my luck with turning out a straight man. all of the straight men. it's a gift.
19. my father took me to get a nose job for my 8th grade graduation cause he thought my nose was too big but when the doctor showed me what they were planning on doing to my face i was OUT!
20. I am terrified of syringes. not needles. syringes. to this day i will tear up when the doctor tries to take my blood and when i was in 5th grade i got a piece of needle bent in my arm from me flailing about after it took my mother, grandmother doctor and a nurse to hold me down to get my school shots.
21. i hate gay clubs and would rather go to a neighborhood bar and play darts.
22. btw.... i will KICK YOUR ASS in a game of darts.
23.the prospect of a fight excites me.... not sexually you pervs.
24. one time i ran into this guy at the gap and he looked EXACTLY like me. mirror image. and i really wanted to fuck him. is that vain?
25. i am loyal to a fault until crossed.
2. Working at the high school was the best time of my life. Doing something with meaning and helping others was a bonus I never expected.
3. Midgets freak the shit outta me. I witnessed a midget on crutches attack a normal sized girl at the high school one time and I just stood there frozen in terror.
4. Strangely enough, i've never broken a bone in my body.
5. I talk to my cats like they are people.
6. I watch UFC for all the wrong reasons.
7. I've never had a cavity in my life and the dentist scares me.
8. I accidentally overdosed on caffeine pills once when I wanted to stay up late with a buddy of mine to have a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and drunkenly took a handful of his mother's pills. I freaked out and had to be taken to the emergency room during Freddy vs. Jason at the theater where a security guard was placed on me and the nurses mocked me for as they put it "drinking too much coffee." cunts.
9. I was a published writer for an online publishing company.
10. I list cleaning as a hobby of mine. It relaxes me. There's nothing more I'd rather do than smoke a bowl and clean my house.
11. When I was a freshman in college and dealing with my sexuality I secretly entered this hot story contest and won. The site was for a gay porn production company and the owner contacted me about writing scripts for the company. He just so happened to be coming to Chicago for the fireworks show that 4th of July and I agreed to meet with them. that morning after responding to a picture request so he knows what I look like he asked me if I would be interested in working INFRONT of the camera. i chickened out and never went through with the meeting.
12. I'm attracted to dorks.
13. I can list Michael Jordon, Wayne Gretzgy and John Elway as former employers.
14. I've seen Danity Kane in concert everytime they've preformed in my city.
15. I cried during Adam Sandler's Big Daddy
16. onions are my kryptonite
17. I worked at Burger King for a month before I quit by chucking a whopper at this little prick manning the register. His name was Angus or Anus or some shit.
18. my friends used to refer to me as the "straight boy layer" due to my luck with turning out a straight man. all of the straight men. it's a gift.
19. my father took me to get a nose job for my 8th grade graduation cause he thought my nose was too big but when the doctor showed me what they were planning on doing to my face i was OUT!
20. I am terrified of syringes. not needles. syringes. to this day i will tear up when the doctor tries to take my blood and when i was in 5th grade i got a piece of needle bent in my arm from me flailing about after it took my mother, grandmother doctor and a nurse to hold me down to get my school shots.
21. i hate gay clubs and would rather go to a neighborhood bar and play darts.
22. btw.... i will KICK YOUR ASS in a game of darts.
23.the prospect of a fight excites me.... not sexually you pervs.
24. one time i ran into this guy at the gap and he looked EXACTLY like me. mirror image. and i really wanted to fuck him. is that vain?
25. i am loyal to a fault until crossed.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
How can I not be sleepy after 4 different pain killers a sixer and at least a dub of weed?
Knocked out pretty early today. Been sleeping alot from the muscle relaxers so i was pretty up when my cousin Rick came knocking at my window with the kid from work J couldn't keep his hands off his dick in the back seat of my MUSLIM boss's car the other night. Still can't get over saying that as much as possible. The kid had this skinny lil chick I guess he's either banging or pretending to be banging. I got the feeling he felt like he had to make a show about him liking girls after the stunt J pulled the other night. Poor kid. I'm sure he's insecure about the whole thing already without having to be mauled in the backseat of his MUSLIM boss's car. He's been texting me back and forth since they left a bit ago. He's a cool kid. Maybe I wont have to be as alone as I thought.
Monday, July 27, 2009
My new obsession
Being immobile I have ALOT of time on my hands. I need to find the entire series on DVD. Check out the hot captain with his old "friend" played by Buffy's James Marsters.
The company I keep
Woke up feeling worse off than yesterday. Still pretty sore so I decided to stay home from work today. Not that I can afford that. I have a scheduled day off tomorrow so I'm hoping the bruising and swelling in my face will go down by Wednesday. Hopefully I wont get fired. Fuck it. Can't do anything about it. A few bruised and hopefully not cracked ribs and a swollen right hand not even suitable for typing would make sure I couldn't maneuvering heavy machinery if I tried. Almost cried like a little girl trying to pack my one hitter by myself before my cousin stopped by with his magical horse suppository sized muscle relaxants. Still hurts like hell, but reality's gotta nice little haze to everything at the moment. He told me the kid from work J tried to grab and kiss in the back seat of our MUSLIM bosses car with me and our MUSLIM boss in the front seat told him about what happened. I feel the need to commit that to paper and screen and to say that out loud as much as I possibly can to remind myself all that actually did happen. Too bad I can't "forget" everything that happened like he claims to. The kid also asked my cousin how I was doing cause J put a post it note on our bosses desk telling him I was in the hospital. Not the excuse I was hoping for but I guess at this point I should be thankful for anything he does somewhat correctly.
After J left last night my cousin came around and was trying to convince me to join him and the old lady for a drive downtown and some beers later. I was a little surprised he was hanging out with the old lady again after their last encounter where she couldn't make up her mind whether she had aborted their unborn foetus or not after magically getting pregnant while she was supposedly on that thing in her arm. Sorry, I don't really keep up with forms of women's contraception. Then he tells me today how the old lady was telling him that she was getting her check from her late mother's police compensation package soon and it all came together. It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. After everything that happened with J I just don't feel comfortable surrounding myself with users and liars anymore. I should be able to trust the people I chose to surround myself with and not be on guard and watch what I say because my feelings and downfalls can be used as someone else's ammunition. I need to take a good hard look at my life and decide what kind of person I want to be.
After J left last night my cousin came around and was trying to convince me to join him and the old lady for a drive downtown and some beers later. I was a little surprised he was hanging out with the old lady again after their last encounter where she couldn't make up her mind whether she had aborted their unborn foetus or not after magically getting pregnant while she was supposedly on that thing in her arm. Sorry, I don't really keep up with forms of women's contraception. Then he tells me today how the old lady was telling him that she was getting her check from her late mother's police compensation package soon and it all came together. It kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. After everything that happened with J I just don't feel comfortable surrounding myself with users and liars anymore. I should be able to trust the people I chose to surround myself with and not be on guard and watch what I say because my feelings and downfalls can be used as someone else's ammunition. I need to take a good hard look at my life and decide what kind of person I want to be.
Torchwood: Children of Earth
Just finished watching the 5th and last part of this mini-series on BBC America. Hopefully American television will eventually catch up to it's British counterpart. Everything about this show was awesome and it's good to see a gay male lead where his sexuality isn't the story. He's an immortal secret agent for the government working on top secret alien cases who just happens to be gay. There's nothing swishing or emasculating about the character's sexuality or his love interest who I hate to admit almost had me in tears when he came out to his sister by telling her, "it's not men. It's him." And Gwen takes her rightful place alongside Sarah Michelle Gellar's Buffy, Xena the Warrior Princess and Wonder Woman as kick ass ficitional females I'd go straight for. Watch this.
Teaser Trailer: Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland
Johnny Depp just keeps outcreeping himself out doesn't he? Can't wait to watch this.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Where are the lines of responsibility drawn...or, Am I an asshole?
It feels like I'm drowning and I can't even bother to reach for a life jacket. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for a mortgage. I didn't ask to be responsible for a mother and a little sister abandoned by an asshole father who decided he wanted to trade his family in for a younger model. I'm barely in my thirties, I shouldn't have the added pressure of having to support a family I didn't ask for. It sounds selfish but I feel like I've already wasted years of my life on a man who kept me by his side with enough distance to have an out when something better presented itself. I made the mistake I thought I was far too intelligent ever to make. I lost myself in someone else. I didn't need my friends or family. I missed holidays and birthdays and get togethers because I was too busy living my life with him. Now I've been tossed to the side and I realize that I have to work hard to make those connections I once shared with people. But it's hard when all your money is spent on the mortgage and the electricity and the gas and the water and the cable and the internet and cell phones and everyone always wants to go out for drinks or dinner. I can barely afford a goddamn big mac and even when I do find myself in a mcdonalds drive thru I find myself asking how I can better spend these five bucks to make sure everyone at home eats.
Now I'm thirty one years old. Stuck in my mother's basement. Barely employed at a dead end job where I spend absolutely no brain power during my day. I'm a catch, huh? It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so damn alone. Or if I didn't live with a mother who acts like she's the only one feeling the pressure while my sister drives her brand new 2009 Malibu and they have their weekly shopping sprees.
And if I "abandon my family" again, as all my aunts and uncles saw my moving out the first time around when I was 21 I'd just be proving everyone right. I am exactly like my father. It feels like I have to start over. I can't see myself doing that living in my mother's basement. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as "my mother's basement". My name is on the lease.
Now I'm thirty one years old. Stuck in my mother's basement. Barely employed at a dead end job where I spend absolutely no brain power during my day. I'm a catch, huh? It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so damn alone. Or if I didn't live with a mother who acts like she's the only one feeling the pressure while my sister drives her brand new 2009 Malibu and they have their weekly shopping sprees.
And if I "abandon my family" again, as all my aunts and uncles saw my moving out the first time around when I was 21 I'd just be proving everyone right. I am exactly like my father. It feels like I have to start over. I can't see myself doing that living in my mother's basement. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as "my mother's basement". My name is on the lease.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
funny thing i noticed....
He spent the night again and he took a call this morning before we left for work. You know how you can tell someone's talking to a person they are or want to have sex with. His voice got slightly deeper and there was this calm and cool tone to everything he said. Phony, if you will. So he's shooting the shit with someone, obviously uncomfortable with taking this phone call in my presence but making it a point. Like a declaration of indepandance, which was really strange cause he's always going on about how his cheap cell phone carrier never allows for a signal in the man cave and always takes his calls outside in the backyard. I found it a little comical and I wasn't at all wierded out about it even though I was pretty sure I knew who was on the other end of that call. Ok, and I'm no angel so I had to take a little jab but it was only to see how he would react. I delete the episode of south park we just watched (the one with the angry goth kids vs. the vampires) from my dvr and he interrupts his conversation to ask if I had finished watching it last night. Cause he wasn't sitting right there next to me. To which I loudly and clearly reminded him we had watched it together last night before we went to bed. Ok, dick move but this guy's not coming out of this unscathed. Not after all the problems he caused. He's not just gonna ride into the sunset with him by his side like a damn trophy. Better yet? I wont even have to do anything about it. This will implode completely on it's own like it did time and time before without my assistance.
Oh yeah, his reaction? The second I completed my sentence he shouts "WHAT?" into the phone, hangs up and looks me dead in the eye. "Lost the signal."
Chatting with his buddy Paul the Pollack (who I guess is another one of his many friends who want to fuck him, LOL!) while I was supposed to be working earlier, he asked me to translate some lines that included...
Couldn't help but wonder whose page he was being nosy on when he saw that phrase. Hmmmm.
Oh yeah, his reaction? The second I completed my sentence he shouts "WHAT?" into the phone, hangs up and looks me dead in the eye. "Lost the signal."
Chatting with his buddy Paul the Pollack (who I guess is another one of his many friends who want to fuck him, LOL!) while I was supposed to be working earlier, he asked me to translate some lines that included...
"Porque me mientes? Dices una cosa y haces la otra."
Couldn't help but wonder whose page he was being nosy on when he saw that phrase. Hmmmm.
Am I being too paranoid?
A friend of mine recently confided in me he was HIV positive. He's been getting tested for several months after ending an abusive relationship with his live in boyfriend. I've had heated conversations in the past with my friend about his decision to have unsafe sex with his HIV positive boyfriend, not only finding the decision ignorant, immature and stupid but questioning his boyfriend's motives. If you love someone, really love someone, you would die before doing something that would put that person's life at risk. Such a gross inconsideration for your own life has to be indicative of some deeper problem I'm not even ready to try to comprehend. But to knowingly put the man's life you claim to love at risk that's inhuman.
Regardless, he's positive and I know he's angry about it. How could he not be. I'm just wondering how safe he's being. Especially after he told me how he's planning (though I suspect he already has been) to make the money he needs to keep the apartment. I feel really guilty but I can't help noticing then tossing out all the water bottles he leaves behind when we hang out.
Regardless, he's positive and I know he's angry about it. How could he not be. I'm just wondering how safe he's being. Especially after he told me how he's planning (though I suspect he already has been) to make the money he needs to keep the apartment. I feel really guilty but I can't help noticing then tossing out all the water bottles he leaves behind when we hang out.
Monday, July 20, 2009
maybe i need to shut the hell up and listen
Getting back into contact with old friends recently I've been talking to a good friend from my high school days. Last time I saw her was at her wedding less than a year ago and she brought me up to date on how she's been having some trouble with her marriage lately.
I couldn't help but remember the lunch we had a few months before her wedding where she told me she wasn't sure if it was gonna work with her fiance. She had the added pressure of being so close to the big day that almost all the preparations were in the finalizing stage. She was confused but seemed certain the differences between the two were not just going to resolve themselves. He had that macho mexican man mentality where his woman wakes up earlier than him to make breakfast and see her man off. Anyone who knows my friend knows she doesn't have a subservient bone in her body. Plus there was the issue of his daughter who she just wasn't connecting with. I've known her for almost fifteen years, this wasn't a decision she was taking lightly. As a friend I felt going through with the engagement without properly dealing with these issues first was just going to make it harder for her later.
I hate to admit I was slightly disappointed to hear she decided to marry him and hoped the best for her. She's voiced how she feels disregarded and disrespected by her husband and I got a little annoyed when she took him back again without really dealing with the issues. I made the mistake of voicing these opinions. You never tell a friend what to do in a relationship one way or another. It can only come back to bite you in the ass. Just be there for them and listen, give your opinion but don't judge. Guess I got caught up in carrying about my friend and I may have come off as a bit judgemental when I asked why she decided to give it another chance when she feels like he's not going to put forth any effort. She snapped back, "cause when you're married," I couldn't help but to notice how pointedly she said married. "You don't just walk away until you know you have tried every possible way to save your marriage." I felt ashamed for even trying to pretend I understood. Playing house and being married are two completely different things. Made me realize just how little I know.
I couldn't help but remember the lunch we had a few months before her wedding where she told me she wasn't sure if it was gonna work with her fiance. She had the added pressure of being so close to the big day that almost all the preparations were in the finalizing stage. She was confused but seemed certain the differences between the two were not just going to resolve themselves. He had that macho mexican man mentality where his woman wakes up earlier than him to make breakfast and see her man off. Anyone who knows my friend knows she doesn't have a subservient bone in her body. Plus there was the issue of his daughter who she just wasn't connecting with. I've known her for almost fifteen years, this wasn't a decision she was taking lightly. As a friend I felt going through with the engagement without properly dealing with these issues first was just going to make it harder for her later.
I hate to admit I was slightly disappointed to hear she decided to marry him and hoped the best for her. She's voiced how she feels disregarded and disrespected by her husband and I got a little annoyed when she took him back again without really dealing with the issues. I made the mistake of voicing these opinions. You never tell a friend what to do in a relationship one way or another. It can only come back to bite you in the ass. Just be there for them and listen, give your opinion but don't judge. Guess I got caught up in carrying about my friend and I may have come off as a bit judgemental when I asked why she decided to give it another chance when she feels like he's not going to put forth any effort. She snapped back, "cause when you're married," I couldn't help but to notice how pointedly she said married. "You don't just walk away until you know you have tried every possible way to save your marriage." I felt ashamed for even trying to pretend I understood. Playing house and being married are two completely different things. Made me realize just how little I know.
Funny or die.
This reminds me of the time I saw Snoop Dogg and HE made me leave my weed at home. Let me repeat. HE MADE ME LEAVE MY WEED AT HOME INSTEAD OF BRINGING IT WITH. TO THE SNOOP DOGG CONCERT. It's times like these I'm glad he's gone. :-)
Can't you just shut the fuck up and listen!?!
Coming home to an empty apartment after spending the weekend with him was a little too much for me to bear. I sat around. Cried. Cleaned. Cried. Killed zombies online. Cried.
I'm not one to just open up and gush to my friends. It's why I blog. But while I was online my friend Bernie asked me how I was doing and I just opened up my vagina and poured out this font of emotion. I think we chatted for less than five minutes before she turned the conversation to whatever her and her douche bag boyfriend were arguing about at the time.
I understand how difficult her situation is. It can't be easy to be there to raise the child you're boyfriend had with another woman after only recently going through an abortion a few months earlier. I'm on page with her there. But if she's going to make the conscious decision to stay in the situation than she's going to have to get over it cause it's not about the asshole who can't seem to keep his dick in his pants or the newly lesbian mother who after decided to give up the baby for adoption once she waited out the time she had to have a legal abortion changed her mind and up and kept the kid right after giving birth, which is the only reason he even copped to the whole thing. He was content to sweep it all under the rug and not breathe a word of it to anyone. And I love her, but it's not about my friend Bernie either. It's about this baby who did not ask to be brought into this fucked up situation where the adults are all worried about their own needs and how this child will affect or benifit them.
What pissed me off even more is finding out that the abortion wasn't a secret from her boyfriend after all. He let her take care of it on her own and she lied and told me he didn't know about it so my opinion of him wouldn't plummet any lower than it already has. I can't even put into words the negative vibe I felt waiting in that room listening to them call in woman after woman . Sitting around all those sad, lost looking people. It was so depressing I had to make myself not cry once we got back into the car.
He was a coward and a pussy for making her go through that experience by herself and he deserves every ounce of misery FC ("Fucking Cunt" as me and Bernie refer to her in secrecy) can pour on him but if Bernie stays with him then she's kinda asking for anything further this man will put her through.
I want to be there for my friend but you can only give the same advice so often. Once it gets to the point when I purposefully change the subject to keep from telling you to "get over it bitch", it's time you seek some professional help. Cause I can't do it. Especially since I make it a point not to discuss my personal problems involving a certain somebody cause any advice she gives I have to look at her like, "really? You're gonna say that shit with a straight face?"
I love my friends but I learned early on not to go with them for personal advice. What the fuck do they know? Their lives are just as screwed up as mine.
I'm not one to just open up and gush to my friends. It's why I blog. But while I was online my friend Bernie asked me how I was doing and I just opened up my vagina and poured out this font of emotion. I think we chatted for less than five minutes before she turned the conversation to whatever her and her douche bag boyfriend were arguing about at the time.
I understand how difficult her situation is. It can't be easy to be there to raise the child you're boyfriend had with another woman after only recently going through an abortion a few months earlier. I'm on page with her there. But if she's going to make the conscious decision to stay in the situation than she's going to have to get over it cause it's not about the asshole who can't seem to keep his dick in his pants or the newly lesbian mother who after decided to give up the baby for adoption once she waited out the time she had to have a legal abortion changed her mind and up and kept the kid right after giving birth, which is the only reason he even copped to the whole thing. He was content to sweep it all under the rug and not breathe a word of it to anyone. And I love her, but it's not about my friend Bernie either. It's about this baby who did not ask to be brought into this fucked up situation where the adults are all worried about their own needs and how this child will affect or benifit them.
What pissed me off even more is finding out that the abortion wasn't a secret from her boyfriend after all. He let her take care of it on her own and she lied and told me he didn't know about it so my opinion of him wouldn't plummet any lower than it already has. I can't even put into words the negative vibe I felt waiting in that room listening to them call in woman after woman . Sitting around all those sad, lost looking people. It was so depressing I had to make myself not cry once we got back into the car.
He was a coward and a pussy for making her go through that experience by herself and he deserves every ounce of misery FC ("Fucking Cunt" as me and Bernie refer to her in secrecy) can pour on him but if Bernie stays with him then she's kinda asking for anything further this man will put her through.
I want to be there for my friend but you can only give the same advice so often. Once it gets to the point when I purposefully change the subject to keep from telling you to "get over it bitch", it's time you seek some professional help. Cause I can't do it. Especially since I make it a point not to discuss my personal problems involving a certain somebody cause any advice she gives I have to look at her like, "really? You're gonna say that shit with a straight face?"
I love my friends but I learned early on not to go with them for personal advice. What the fuck do they know? Their lives are just as screwed up as mine.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Did I really just do that again?
So he's moved out but we're still trying to be friends. It working. We're getting along better than we have in a very long time. He's spent most of this week at my place but we've still been doing our own things no questions asked. And now a foot rub crosses the line and turns into a blow job and we're back to sleeping with each other. Out of convenience, out of habit, whatever. It happened. I'm not gonna beat myself up about it. Sex has never been an issue with me, I can separate lust and love. I'm just curious about whether he forgot to take his poppers when he moved his things or if he carries it around in his bag. I think I should start practicing a little safer sex with him. if it happens again. Lol, did he really ask me to "ride me". He's lucky I love the kid. i don't bottom for just anyone and although I've grown to like it I don't think it's something I would try with anyone I didn't want to please. And I really don't feel the need to please many.
This morning while he was telling me how his friends wanna fuck him. No lie. He said, "all my friends wanna fuck me." He was telling me about this little mexican fairy who I guess is a part of the glitteratti sending him naked pics and texting him about how much he likes him. I wanted to make sure he didn't lump me in with these fags so I reminded him that I'm not one of his little friends who wants to fuck him. I'm the one that does.
This morning while he was telling me how his friends wanna fuck him. No lie. He said, "all my friends wanna fuck me." He was telling me about this little mexican fairy who I guess is a part of the glitteratti sending him naked pics and texting him about how much he likes him. I wanted to make sure he didn't lump me in with these fags so I reminded him that I'm not one of his little friends who wants to fuck him. I'm the one that does.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
once again you remind me why i hate you.
go out on your dates. i hope you get crabs. play your games. it's your own web you'll be caught in someday. all of a sudden I'm no longer good enough. The pasture is always greener and all. well then move the fuck away so i can move the fuck on. i don't want to be miserable any more. i don't want to be in pain anymore. i don't want to cry anymore cause the lack of your presence feels like i'm missing one of my appendages. i feel incomplete without you but i was never enough for you.
Monday, July 6, 2009
couldnt resist
after alot of thinking i came out the shower this morning to see jub jub taking my place in bed. This man is so special to me. That's why I get so angry. That's why I get so jealous. That's why I get so scared. I need to stop trying to keep him at arms length because I am scared of a repeat of the past. I love J. Together or not, friends or not, I only hope the best for him. I need to tell him that more often.
maybe i need to do a little growing up for the both of us.
Guess I really don't know everything. From what J says he was only talking to the asshole for closure. He's just a very sore spot for me and represents a very bad time for J and I. Can't help reverting to old feelings when the wounds from his previous betrayals haven't finished healing yet. People make mistakes and I have to believe what he told me last night is the truth. I just wish I could rip off asshole's face and use it as a terry cloth for what he's put J through. It's funny how he suddenly turns a new leaf and wants to make things right between them AFTER I answered Paul's phone and berated him a few weeks back. I just hope J is smart enough to see he's just being set up for more misery. I can't protect him any further. He's an adult. By reopening the lines of communication and telling me last night how he someday wishes to be able to hang out with him as a friend and not want to tear him apart lets me know it's just a matter of time. All I can do is step aside and hope they are both long gone out of my life far before it happens again.
Friday, July 3, 2009
How did they get a camera up in there pointing out?
The roomie made me watch this video the other day on demand. I like this song but I always feel the need to shower after I watch it. Here's the real dirty version online. See if you can find the vagina cam scene.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
